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I'll Mature When I'm Dead

Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood

Dave Barry

It is true that men can appear to be superficial about what qualities they seek in the opposite sex, as shown in this scientific chart

But does this mean that men are nothing but a bunch of shallow low-life sex-obsessed horn-dogs? Yes. But men have a solid scientific excuse: biology.

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"Bernice may have told herself that it was just lunch, but on some level she was evaluating his suitability as a lifetime partner featuring reliability, loyalty, kindness etc. Whereas he, not to put too fine a point on it, was evaluating her gazombas, and probably the gazombas of every other woman in the restaurant."

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"... to all the women who've had trouble finding a man: is there any hope for them? Of course there is. If you're one of these women, remember this. There are literally billions of men on the planet, and the probability is extremely high that one of these men is exactly right for you. So if you're patient, and keep a positive attitude, and don't give up hope, the odds are very good that you will never meet this guy, because he lives in some place like Uzbekistan. So you might want to consider Plan B, which is becoming a nun, assuming you're OK with the longer skirt."

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If you ask a mother what she wants for Mother's Day she'll say "Oh you don't have to get me anything." This is of course a lie, as most men have learned, usually painfully. If you were stupid enough to give her nothing for Mother's Day she would be deeply hurt... she wants you to spontaneously, on your own, without prodding, select some thoughtful and appropriate and utterly useless gift that shows how much you appreciate her and how much you think about her on Mother's Day. Whereas when a man says he doesn't want anything for Father's Day, he means - pay close attention - that he doesn't want anything for Father's Day. He has already received too many FD gifts he will never use. He will be thrilled if his family wd celebrate FD by going to the restaurant without him, leaving him on the sofa, snoring softly to the soothing sounds of televised golf.

Why don't men listen to women? They do listen. But they listen for specific information. Men are problem solvers. They are doers. When you talk to them they are listening to determine (a) what the problem is and (b) what they need to do about it so they can (c) resume watching ESPN. When they have the information they need, they stop listening.

In the early phases of your relationship with a man, he listens to you a lot, because he is trying to solve a very impt problem, namely, getting you to have sex with him. No matter what you talk about - your work, your friends, the fruit flies of the Ryuku Islands - the man will pay careful attention, because you might give him the clue indicating how he can get you to become naked.

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When a woman tells him that she just wants him to listen, he quickly becomes confused - because there doesn't seem to be a problem, he doesn't know what to do. Eventually he adopts a strategy of monitoring these emotional releases for key words indicating a problem he may have to deal with such as "fire" "internal bleeding" or "district attorney". Otherwise he's just bunkered down, waiting for the feeling-storm to blow over, maybe sneaking a peek at the sporting highlights so his time is not completely wasted.

If Man A asks Man B for directions, Man B, realizing that Man A is a weak, direction-asking male who probably also reads owner's manuals, could decide to attack Man A's village and plunder its women. Man A is not about to take that risk.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don't sing
Papa's gonna put it in the food processor

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Once you have a child you will spend, over the next 5 ears, roughly 45 minutes total, listening to songs you like, and roughly 17,000 hours listening to songs on topics like 'The wheels of the bus go round and round'

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Although your wife is probably a better natural parent than you when it comes to things like remembering to feed and clothe and provide medical care for the baby, you also bring some impt things to the parenting table like fart noises. Your child will gradually discover your talents in this area and become your biggest fan. The two of you will form a bond - a permanent unbreakable bond that will connect the two of you forever, until your child reaches the age of eleven and realizes that you are a dork.

We need to do something about the celebrity surplus, and I have an idea, which I got from agriculture. When we have too much wheat, we put it in grain silos and export it. So, we need to start putting minor celebrities in grain silos. But if that turns out to be legally problematic, we should export them. All we'd have to do is park a cruise ship in Los Angeles and announce a new reality show called Celebrity Cruise With the Stars. Within minutes there'll be Kardashians storming the gangways. As soon as it was full, we'd send it off to someplace that doesn't produce enough celebrities of its own, like Burma. Granted at some point these people might try to get back to the US, but that is exactly why we have a navy.

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Reality shows like American Idol etc. These contestants humiliated themselves on national TV because when they were growing up always singing around the house, no thoughtful family member or caring friend ever had the kindness to say, in a gentle and loving voice, "You suck". They needed Simon Cowell's but instead they were surrounded by Paula Abdul's, trying to be nice, not wanting to hurt their feelings, and thus setting them up for failure. Because the cruel fact is that the world does not reward suckage, outside of Washington DC.

Take nature. If you are a wildebeest that happens to be bad at running fast, you will fail. You might have a sincere desire to run fast, and you might believe you can run fast, because when you're hanging out at the waterhole , other wildebeests are telling you what you want to hear: Sure dog! You run pretty fast! But when the cheetah shows up and the herd takes off, you will be a wildeburger.

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