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Pipe Dreams

Alan Aldridge

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As teenager knew a tearaway named Tony. One day Tony and his little gang stole a hearse. Took it to a pub where they knew a fence, but guy was out, so they had a quick half-pint while they waited. But when they came out, someone else had nicked the hearse.

Then they noticed a neat little man sitting in the back of their Zephyr. Yelled at him to get out but he just sat there cool as you like. So grabbed him and dragged him out, then realised guy was as dead as a doornail. The other guy had not only stolen the hearse, he'd off-loaded the corpse onto Tony and his mates.

What to do? They decide to take him back into the pub. They prop him up at a table, when an old girl comes over all angry "Herbert, is that you?" "Elsie said you died yesterday; I'm going to your funeral tomorrow. What are you doing drinking with this rough mob?"

One of the gang goes "This ain't Herbert, this is his twin brother Percy. He's deaf, dumb and blind, love. He's just down from Newcastle to attend his brother's funeral."

Right then as if to save the day, the corpse lets out this huge fart. It went on forever and stunk to high heaven. Everyone evacuates the bar. In the end they took the body to the local hospital and left him in the chaotic E.R.

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