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Tall Tales and Wee Stories

Billy Connolly

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Billy takes Pamela to meet his grandfather, who disliked everybody and hated having to be sociable. So we go in, and he was very nice "hallo son. And you must be the lovely Pamela. You must havea cup of tea - sit down and I'll get them away. There's a lot of banging noises in the kitchen and "Who left this here??" (he lived alone). And he reappears, no teapot, no cups, bo biscuits. And he says to me "Well I'm sure you're a very busy man.." And we're back on the fucking street. Five and a half minutes.

GF went to hospital with scurvy. He said "I don't like it here. It's full of old people. (He was 96). ANd then "How long did it take you to drive here?" "Oh about 15 minutes" "Well you better set out before it's dark."

Had an uncle who went off to war. He was given his father's pocket watch. One day a german sniper lined him up and fired. Bullet would have gone right through his heart, but it hit father's watch. Bounced off, shotup his nostril and blew th top of his head off.

Bored with wankers going on about real flying. BC"s idea of real flying is being up in the pointy end of a jumbo jet, being spoon fed caviar by a hostess with big tits, who whispers that your air miles entitle you to a complimentary blow job.

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Everyone knows that every time you smoke a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards

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