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Winswept and Interesting

Billy Connolly

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(Neighbour) Mr Cumberland came home from work, had his tea, then told his wife 'I'm away for a pint'. But his wife said 'You get those children off the street and into bed before you go for any bloody pint'. 'OK OK' And he staggers out of the house . 'Right. How many weans have I got? .... Nine! So he goes into the street looking for kids. Right, you, you, you, you.' he rounds up the first nine kids he comes across, two of whom were me and my sister! We were washed and put to bed. I'm there, tucked in with all the others, looking around, going Waaaah'. My sister's trying to calm me: 'We're al right, I've been in here before' Whaaaah!. Meanwhile my mother's going berserk!. She's out looking for us with a policeman becasue she thinks we're off in a kitbag with some pervert! They only found us when they sped two wee Cumberlands crying in the street. 'Waaaah!. We can't get in the house! The bed's full! So they took them in and we were kicked out.

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I can't control my weight and eat things I like, so I eat things I like. It'sa W & I thing.

Grew up in Glasgow tenement. Drunks used to sing outside in the street. If they were any good, people would throw pennies down to them. But if they were crap, they'd heat the pennies on the stove first, then use pliers to drop them out the window. 'Thank you, thank you, OUCH!'

Vegemite. Whoopi Goldberg told him: 'How can you eat that stuff? It's like licking a cat's arse!' I said 'Who does your research?'

I shd move to NZ. They have the best clouds on Earth.

I discovered Buddhism later on. There's a sense of goodwill in thatphilosophy. You start out good. They wish you the best, and presume you're trying your hardest.

Youth Hostel prank. Guy who wore socks to bed. Wait till he was asleep then roll back blankets at foot of bed, take one sock off and put it back on the other foot. In morning guy would wake up and be going 'Anyone seen a blue sock?' and eventually put on his hiking boots with one bare foot and hobble off. I always wondered what happened when he got home and took sock off and found other one underneath.

My wife's a sexologist. A very limiting subject, I think. How can you study soemthing that only lasts 7 seconds.

BChas been in 50 movies, starting with Mrs Brown with Judi Dench as Q Vict. King of the Dwarves in The Hobbit During shooting Peter Jackson showed him collection of WW1 biplanes,and he went up in a vintage Bristol and dropped huge fake yellow bombs into Peter Jackson's garden. Played the pirate Billy Bones in Muppet Treasure Island. He was only character to die in a muppet movie

Now has trouble getting out of chairs. Physio told him to rock backwards and forwards to build up a bit of momentum, but that's dangerous, bc I fart a lot more than I used to.

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