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Pamela Stephenson

Early dating reckoned biggest problem was figuring out what to say (and avoiding things like "You don't sweat much for a fat girl"

Had a cousin adducted to practical jokes. Used to drive round Glasgow in an old Bedford van looking for cyclists. had a broomstick with red boxing glove on end and word BIFF! in white paint. He'd drive alongside an unfortunate cyclist and say 'hello'. When cyclist lookedover and saw BIFF! coming at him, likely as not he'd ride into a hedge.

Pamela descendant of Scotsman named Samuel Stephenson who emigrated Russell 1840 and married a half caste Maori woman (ie her great great grandmother a full Maori)

Keith Richard arrived late for a dinner party. "He peered at us paonfully from behind his 'piss off' shades and complained "Fuck I hate these breakfast do's".

Wants a gravestone on island in Loch Lomond, but flat so you can have a cup of tea on it. Wanted an inscription in really tiny letters in middle of huge stone so people wd have to get up really close to read "You'restanding on my balls".

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(Talking about a politician with a comb-over) Worst thing is not that the guy thought he looked better, but the fact that he thought everybody else was so stupid they wouldn't notice that he was bald.

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow

Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving like a Catholic priest.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

"A well balanced person has a drink in each hand."

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