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Car Fever:

The Car Bore's Essential Companion

James May

Japanese car factories pioneered just-in-time parts deliveries, but never huge loads at a time - go down the assembly line and there is just the right number bolts etc. We should be able to apply this to food - instead of having to go to supermarket and buy industrial quantities of food which then gets put into frig or pantry (often rotting before you remember it's there), should have a just-in-time cupboard that opens onto the street. You decide you want a fryup, type order into computer, and 10 minutes later 2 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon and 2 eggs and a slice of bread for toast appears in your side.

Everyone tells us that fossil fuels are bad so it makes sense for us to hurry up and use as much as possible so they won't be round to blight the lives of our grandchildren.

Like all good neighbours we help each other with little DIY jobs and the subsequent rush to the hospital A & E dept.

Top Gear had challenge to make a new stretch limo, but had to be European. So May cut the back off a Saab and an Alfa, and welded the two front bits together. So now can drive down narrow streets, and instead of reversing, you just get into the other end and drive off.

Suggested an ATM with 'double or nothing' function. You ask for £50 and you either get 100 or 0, but your account still debited with £50.

Top Gear team expedition to North Pole (in a Toyota pickup). Asked afterwards whether his life better or worse for having the experience. He decided it would be worse, bc occasionally he would remember it.

Most people hate driving most of the time bc it's boring. And often the journey is actually slower than it was 30 years ago, bc roads now so crowded.

Road pricing everywhere is inevitable. People will get used to it, just as they're used to putting money in the pool table at the pub. But the corollary stipulation that they have to pay you when the road or part of it, is blocked off for roadworks. Preferably the chief engineer should be standing, naked, at the end of the roadworks handing out fivers.

Compared himself, a cart bore, with his mate, a cork dork. Both stunned to think that others aren't as fascinated with their pet subjects. But at least if you drink, you can forget.

Instead of boring public statues of famous wankers, should embalm beautiful cars in Plasticast, a sort of liquid perspex. Beats fish in formaldehyde.

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