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Sex With Kings
Eleanor Herman
In Catholic countries superseded mistresses tended to be banished to convents, on basis that no mortal man should have what the King had touched. King John 5 of Portugal short-circuited process, turning one Lisbon convent into a personal harem and child care centre. The Mother Superior provided him with a son who went on to become an Archbishop.
Louis XIV was known as fast and furious lover. He once invited a pretty actress to visit him in his rooms, but she brought an older, ugly friend with her. On being told that she had arrived, the king opened his door, grabbed closest woman (which of course was the ugly one) and pulled her into the room. When King's secretary arrived and found pretty one laughing outside, he banged on the door and called "You've taken the wrong one sire" Door opens and King shoves ugly one out. "The business is done" says King "She'll have to come another time"
Successful mistresses rarely great beauties. They had to talk to him even when tired, screw him even when ill, sympathise with him when he was grumpy, serve his favourite foods and cater to his every whim. Louis XV notorious for retelling same boring stories time and again, his mistress Madame de Pompadour a great listener. Plus mistresses in their own little self contained apartments actually at an advantage - in the main palace the formal rooms were far from kitchens, so meals always arrived cold, and latrines also far away, so every room had smelly chamber pots.
Mistresses kids tended to be smarter than legitimate heirs (less inbreeding) and far more motivated to keep on side with their father, because he provided their patronage, so they were usually popular with him. Charles II had 16 bastards, 9 of them sons, all named Charles (mothers not stupid) and all raised together in royal nursery. (King couldn't keep track; he had a list with physical description of each boy)
Charles II's favorite mistress was red haired Barbara Palmer, who he made lady Castlemaine. She was a nymphomaniac with a taste for brawny young men. One of them, John Churchill, the future Duke of Marlborough, was in need of £5000, so they cooked up a plan. She wd have sex with an elderly gent who was lusting after her, for £10000. But she sent another whore to meet him in a darkened room and collect the money. Then she let him know he'd been duped, and offered to really screw him for another £10,000. He declined.
1360 King Pedro of Portugal wanted to legitimize his bastard sons by his mistress. The Pope declared could only happen if mother crowned queen. Unfortunately she'd died 5 years earlier. Undeterred Pedro had her dug up, dressed her skeleton in fine clothes and had her crowned in an elaborate ceremony which all the nobles were forced to attend. After that there were no protests about legitimizing his children.
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