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Sexually, I'm More Of A Switzerland

Personal Ads From The London Review of Books

David Rose

(editor) The personal ads in LRB are liberating. They reject the phony BS of conventional dating sites. Yjey tell us to relax a little and enjoy what's out there without feeling threatened by it. We can read them without ever having to suck in our gut.

And everyone has to reply to a mailbox, rather than email. So replies have to be carefully crafted. Plus it's impossible to disguise a prison postmark.

I put the phrase 'five-header bi-sexual orgy' in this ad to increase my Google hits. Really I'm looking for someone who likes hearty soups and jigsaws of kittens.

My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we'll make love.

My hobbies include crying and hating men.

Dear LRB. I have no money. Please run my advert for free. I want a woman who is 38. Let her know that I'm really clever and good-looking. Thanks.

Straight line. Straight line. Funny line. Busy man, 36.

I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloging my collection of bird feeders. Next year I'm hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list.

If intense, post-fight sex scares you, I'm not the woman for you (amateur big-boned cage wrestler, 62)

This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts.

Mentally I'm a size 8. Compulsive-eating F, 52, WLTN man to 25 for whom the phrase 'beauty is only skin deep' is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.

Tall, handsome, well-built, articulate, intelligent, sensitive yet grossly inaccurate man. Cynics may say 'pathological liar' but I like to use 'creative with reality'. Join me in my 36-bedroom mansion on my Gloucestershire estate set in 400 acres of wild-stag populated woodland.

I have a mug that says 'World's Greatest Lover'. I think that covers my references. How about you?

All humans are 99% genetically identical, so don't even think of ending any potential relationship begun here with 'I don't think we have enough in common'. Science has long since proven that I'm the man for you (41, likes to be referred to as 'Wing Commander' in the bedroom).

Man, animal in bed. Probably a gnu.

The finest mind in the academic world conceived this ad , but it was his secretary who took two hours out of her day to collate his angst-ridden ramblings, phone the LRB and pay for it out with her own money. He is basically looking for an affair with a twenty-something idiot tart who needs good grades. I'm looking for a better job and a man to 50 who's great in bed and who doesn't make condescending comments about every damn book I read.

There aren't enough hours in the day for me to make love to all the women who reply to this ad so I'm going to start with you, a nubile 21-year-old tantric masseuse preferably French or able to adopt a French accent or not talk at all.

Forty years ago I was going to marry Elvis. At 56 my expectations are lower. The least you could do is try to meet them. If you're over 4'10". it's a start.

Getting laid through isn't as easy as the adverts make out. I'm hoping for better pickings from this column. Woman, 87.

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