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Uncle Dysfunctional

AA Gill

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Why is selling sex any different than a nanny selling care and affection? People go on about trafficking and violence, but they're already illegal. Gill suggests that anyone who wants to use a pro has to spend one day a year working as one - giving out hand jobs for example.

We need freedom from collective judgement about who you do it with and how you have it. And also how you cherge for it - whether you take cash up front or wait till after the wedding.

Every generation thinks the next generation is going to hell via Playboy mags or Lady Chat's Lover or now, porn. But if today's Internet generation grows up a little less fearful and ignorant than we were, that's a positive. "In the end, sex is complicated and brilliant, with layers of intellectual baggage, none of whic porn has."

Girl asked what is best position to break a chap's willy? Apparently he'd managed to pass on a nasty STD. AAG said that 'reverse cowgirl' prob most likely, but happens to rarely that prb won't work. He suggested that she shd shag boy's dad, who wd then give it to his wife. Then she shd notify everyone via Facebook. Just a suggestion.

To a guy who complained that GF always hounding him for sex: "OK Tim, you limp-dick little shag-dodger. Get back in there and make her beg for mercy. Munch and lunge until the eyes roll back in her head. Frot and rock till she's sitting on an ice-pack, praying a mantra to the majesty of your testicles. Pound the crack of moantill she screams in tongues known only to charasmatic Alabama churches. Cover her with the spume of love till she wants to start a business selling scented candles that waft the beguiling odour of your sweaty taint. Pump her till she's feeling like a shelf of charity shop scatter cushions. get a grip. Get some dick-bone. Clench your pelvic floor muscles. You're not just letting this bint goalkeeper off the hook or letting yourself down, you're letting every human with a pair down. Sex is a team game: them against us. If you dribble and dive under par, if you can't make the whole 90 minutes, you shouldn't be in the squad. Remember, sex is a game of two halves: the top half and the bottom half. There are winners and there are losers, and if you don't feel like a winner then you must be the other sort. And if you can't deliver a weeping multiple then get off the minge and let someone who's got the balls to do it have a go. So, Tim, go and knock one out in the bog, and consider your position as a man. The problem is you're not very good at it. And you're not very good at it bc you don't do enough of it. The way you get good at sex is the way you get good at anything: practice. Doing more, not less.

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