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Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Allan and Barbara Pease

If a woman slaps a man's face in public everyone assumes he's in the wrong.

Have you ever noticed that all women's problems start with 'men'? - men-opause, men-strual pain, men-tal illness, guy-nocologist, his-terectomy. More books on Women

A man won't tell you he feels emasculated when you correct his behaviour. He won't say that when you tell him off if gives him the same aggravation he used to get from his mother when he was a teenager. When you let him know he doesn't make good decisions, he feels he is a failure and can never meet yr standards. So he shuts off. If the woman is nagging you, then she has something to tell you and you're not listening. The reason you're not listening is because she's not using language you understand. Women habitually approach their men the wrong way with indirect talk.

At the end of a hard day, a man needs about 30 minutes of fire-gazing time to recoup energies before he's ready to talk. But most women are always ready to talk, and want to talk immediately.

A child's behaviour is a direct result of parenting, good or bad. If you nag kids, they get message that they don't need to do what they're told the first time; they can wait until you're foaming at the mouth. Your job is to train your kids. If you are a parent, and find that you have to tell kids repeatedly, then they have trained you. They are making the rules and you are complying. Example kid who kept 'forgetting' that it was his job to take out the garbage. So, when he went to bed one night, he found the contents of garbage bin in his bed (and he had to wash the sheets himself).

Man the hunter is results orientated. What wife thinks of as sharing events and concerns of the day, he hears as requests for solutions. Woman can get round that by saying "I need to talk out some things. I don't need solutions. I just want you to listen." If she doesn't offer that, and the man unsure what he is supposed/allowed to say, he can ask "Would you like me to listen as a boy or a girl?"

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Men and women do business very differently. Before doing business, woman wants to establish a relationship to see if other side is trustworthy. Do that by chatting on a variety of topics, sometimes on quite a personal level. Man assumes she is asking for advice, or even more catastrophically, that she wants sex. Either way he comes across as someone who doesn't listen, and is unlikely to take much notice of her concerns if they do business together.

Men don't want to ask for directions because that would mean he has failed at his No 1 job of finding his way. Solution is for woman to pretend she needs to go to the toilet, which will lead to a gas station, where the man can pretend to buy something and ask for directions at same time.

Woman often complain about their man's bad habits. In fact both tend to have similar number, but men are (a) less observant and (b) more tolerant of eccentricities. Most men admit to farting; only 2% of women do (although everybody farts). Solution is to stop man from eating fart-producing food 2 hours before bedtime (ie no beer, wine, bread, fruit).

Men are totally unaware that women keep a point score on their partner's overall performance in a relationship. The number of points a man accrues directly affects the quality of his life. When a man and a woman decide to live together, they never discuss in fine detail what each will contribute to the relationship. Each silently assumes that the other will contribute what they expect - which may be based on how their parents did things, what their friends do, what they read in Cosmopolitan mag etc. Everything is worth 1 point. A rose is worth 1 point. 6 roses are worth 1 point, unless it's 1 rose a week for 6 weeks in which case it's 6 points. Virtually all the points are awarded for everyday things which do or don't happen. Women keep the scoreboard, they have a long memory, and they let points build up before they finally protest. She may let it get to -30 before she accuses him of doing nothing (to his surprise because he had no idea there was a problem). Men don't keep a score. If they did, they would start complaining as soon as it got to -3.

And men score differently. They'd rate working five days a week as at least 30 points, but to wife, it's only 5 points - one for every day. He thinks the more he works, the more he earns, so he gets more points. But in fact it means he's home less so not available to do the little things, so actually loses points.

If a woman wants to punish a man all she has to do is talk to him non-stop and keep changing the subject.

Men deal with stress by distraction - going off and doing something else, because concentrating on that will let him forget what he's been worrying about. Women deal with stress by talking their problem over and over, backwards and forwards, and from every angle, without ever reaching any conclusion. Women believe that talking can make everyone feel better. Men believe talking usually makes things worse.

Picasso: "A woman's face is a canvas upon which, daily she paints a portrait of her former self."

Japanese have a third eyelid (Caucasians only have two). Plastic surgery common to remove the third one, opening the eye wider.

1 in 50 people diagnosed with breast cancer are men, and they die a lot quicker.

Man is only primate that grows longer hair on face than on rest of body. Monkeys and chimps have same length pelt all over - you'll never see an ape with a beard.

Men and women lie about as often. Difference is men lie to make themselves look good, women to make others feel better. Women are harder to fool because they can multitask, deciphering facial expressions and voices, whereas men focus on one thing at a time, concentrating on content and missing the body language.

Detecting Lies

Liars avoid using 'I' and 'me', and try to avoid using name of person they're lying about.

When person is really trying to recall what happened yesterday, he will um and er and chop around while he tries to sort things in his mind. A liar will have practiced his story and it comes out fluently.

If you think someone's lying to you, ask them to repeat their story. Then leave a pause so that he thinks he's got away with it. Then ask him to repeat it a third time.

Stress makes voice become more high pitched.

When they start using words like "Believe me" "Frankly" "I'm not kidding" "Honestly" they're probably lying.

Similarly "I'm not that sort of person" "My parents taught me better than that""I'd never stoop to that sort of thing"

Discouraging Lies

Sit in a higher chair - subtle intimidation

Open your stance - uncross your legs and arms, lean back

Never reveal that you are picking up signals

Invade their personal space. Make them uncomfortable.

Mirror posture and movement. Rapport makes harder to lie to.

Imitate their style and vocab -is he visual ("I see what you mean") audio ("I hear you") or feelings ("It hit me that..") (You can figure this out quickly by asking them to recite alphabet - some people will stare at an invisible blackboard, some will sing it, some will tap it out in rhythm - visual, sound, feeling.)

Give them an out. Pretend you didn't hear or understand. Give them a chance to recant their lie.

Don't accuse or ask aggressive questions (just triggers aggressive defence). Ask soft questions "Where did you say you were again?"

Decoding what men say

Women have lot less trouble retiring than men do, because women define themselves by the quality of their relationships. Men define themselves by their work and their accomplishments. Men in high stress jobs who retire to do nothing, die early.

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