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No Punches Pulled

The Best of

Bob Jones

In the old days, sideshows used to feature freaks like the Fat Lady and the Tattooed Man. So when BJ had a temporarily empty ground floor shop in Wellington's main street he decided to provide an modern version - a beautiful slim model, and a gut with no tatts (mainly to take the piss out of "the hordes of heaving beasts, emerging mainly from govt offices, each on my estimation having a stripped fighting weight in excess of 300lb." Further "All of this is alien to Auckland CBD occupants, they lacking city govt offices for mammoth supply, and also because downtown is crowded with stunning Chinese beauties obeying their genetically pre-determined requirement of non-stop frock and shoe shopping."

For those who blame their genes, BJ points out that anyone over 50 can remember the name of the sole fat kid in their class, and how he was the exception not the rule. Stop stuffing KFC down your throats and get some exercise and watch the weight drop off.

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He only employs history and classics grads, bc they are the ones who exhibit curiosity and an unwillingness to follow the mob, and hence are easy to train.

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Big fan of migrants and the energy they bring to NZ. The first generation works their butts off, often at menial work. At home they drive their kids to study hard, aiming for conventional high income jobs like medicine and accounting. "...we should welcome them to our welfare-sated nation, they bring with them an independant mentality and self-respect, sadly non-existent with a large section of our population."

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"Auckland's vigour and growth is largely attributable to it being a migrant destination, whether from Dunedin or Damascus; hungry fighters all."

The British welcomed foreign nurses, bc otherwise they'd have none. And they preferred Polish builders bc they got the job done, instead of just mucking you round. Supposedly people would phone a plumber and hangup if he didn't have a Polish accent.

(In a discussion about floating exchange rates) BJ suggested we should turn our banknotes into spectacular pieces of art, bc tourists would take them home and keep them as souvenirs. (Although scenic views would probably be better). Always amusing, when leaving countries with primitive economies, to have restrictions on how much cash you can take with you. It tells you that most people don't understand money at all.

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Demolishes suggestion that house prices are too high. Firstly the situation has changed. Couple of generations ago couples took out 2nd and 3rd mortgages, then both worked double jobs to repay, postponing kids until they had their head above water. Today people marry later and want children sooner, and the house we regard as basic are twice the size of the 1950's version. And it's not bc of gouging tradesmen - they are comfortably off but they are never rich. And as for residential property developers; they always go broke.

Selling a kidney is no different to selling your labour. One is the disposal of an unwanted body part; the other is giving someone else a sizeable chunk of your lifetime. In US renal surgeons have established a kidney donor business on the understanding that if you donate and then later need a new kidney, you get one immediately.

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Although women are still lag behind men in many areas, they are tops at theft-as-a-servant cases. Scarcely a week goes by without some usually overweight, mid-forties divorcee company accountant before the courts having nicked a few mill from her employer.

Why not shift summer holidays to February, when we actually get a summer, instead of January, when we reliably get storms?

'Scandal' when French (women's) Golf Open invited young (attractive) golfers and not the world's top ranking ones, apparently bc the state television channel wasn't interested in showing the event otherwise. BJ took the opportunity to point out the desirability of Thai Airways getting rid of their hostesses when they reach 'crone' status of 32. (I recall an earlier piece when he railed at sitting in American Airlines First Class and being served by hosties even older than him.) And finally suggested that if NZ viewers were given the choice of watching the Black Ferns (who he described as more like the Black Stumps) and Anna Kournikova reading a book, they'd go for the literary choice every time.

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Treaty of Waitangi is redundant. Many treaties have been annulled or ignored bc their relevance has gone. Maori claimed ownership of the Waikato River when it became obvious that they might be able to extract some money. The Treaty applied at a time when the river was a source of food, and a transport route for Maori/ Today it is neither - they get their food from the supermarket like everybody else; they move around in Holdens, not canoes, like everybody else.

What is the point of singing the national anthem before rugby games?

What is the point of 'apologising' for bad behaviour when the participants are long dead?

How about doubling the penalties for anyone convicted of a crime against a tourist? After all, there are two victims - the person attacked, and the NZ public, whose reputation suffers.

In Manila for a boxing match met an Australian commentator he knew who had agreed to lead a group of Aussie tourists to the bout. The commentator was unhappy bc the guys were all hayseeds from backblocks Q'land farms who had drunk beer nonstop, and how he was not looking forward to escorting them around Manila. In fact he never saw the - they had all found tarts and retreated to their hotel rooms for the duration, not even emerging for the fight. Then afterwards again met the commentator, who was now really upset bc the hayseeds all wanted to marry their tarts and expected him to be best man. A perfect match of respective needs.

More books on Marriage

Reckons architect's wives are forever running off with rubbish collectors or stop/go men.

A parade of 100 NZ Volkswagen cars and owners, "and needless to say, most of the drivers were bearded."

Protest marches complete folly - even the biggest (the peace marches of the 60's and 70's) are completely ignored by govts.

Very upset at women driving (slowly) in the right hand lane. "Ninety per cent of the offenders are women in their 30's...I suspect they're angry bc they haven't got a bloke, or angrier still bc they have, for which I sympathise."

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