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Dave Barry's Guide To Guys

Dave Barry

I realize that I'm making gender-based generalizations here , but I figure that if God hadn't wanted us to do that, he wouldn't have invented genders.

Guys are aware of the rules of moral behaviour, but they have trouble keeping those rules in the forefront of their minds at certain times, particularly the present.

Three major genders - women, men and guys. To illustrate - looking at a beautiful pristine valley, a woman will contemplate the beauty of nature, a man will think how he could build a dam there, and a guy will be wondering how far he can piss off the dam.

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Every statement of fact is based on carefully researched scientific studies, or else I made it up

Alien being drops in and gives you a magic machine that will instantly cure all human ailments. Do you

a) present it to the UN
b) set up a free hospital
c) take it apart

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In the Middle Ages guys got sick of boring stuff like agriculture so they invented the Crusades ("You know what:? Those damn Turks have got our Holy Land!") thus pioneering business travel. Meanwhile the Turks were saying to their wives "Those damn Englishmen are coming to try and take over our Holy Land" Then they'd all meet in Italy, where luckily restaurants had just been inventd, and this is where expense accounts were also invented and this was the forerunner of modern fiction writing

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Damselflies mate in midair. They take this extremely seriously and it is not much fun, because they know that if they do it wrong all the other insects will laugh at them

Guy goes along to toyshop to buy his 6 month old baby a nice gender-neutral toy like a spinning top or something, and comes out with a radio-controlled tank, with a working turret and real treads that can climb over obstacles. Since my son has the advanced motor skills of a potato, I had to work the tank for him, which I did as often as possible, because he seemed to enjoy it, as measured by his drool output. This is also how I could tell he liked the electric train.

I don't know how he wound up with all the guns - I think the Gun Fairy comes round at night, finds all the houses with boys in them and distributes toys like MasterBlaster RocketGun. Needless to say, the Gun Fairy never leaves batteries.. More books on Children

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