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Jerry Seinfeld

I think the wonderful thing about men and women is how interested we are in these people we have virtually nothing in common with. Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsessed with shoes. It's exactly the same obsession. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these thing, every time these objects are presented to us, we have to look.

To men, cleavage is the nearest thing to a UFO landing nearby. To women, buying shoes that they really love is like boarding the alien ship. I think its entirely possible that aliens have landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we're so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes.

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The problem with talking is that no-one stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you were always making a movie. You mess up, someone walks on the set and stops the whole shot. Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people. "Boy you look pregnant, are you?" "Cut cut cut that's not going to work at all. Walk out the door, come back in, let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying."

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My friend just had a baby.There is so much pressure to see this baby. Every time I talk to them, they say "You have got to see the baby. When are you coming over to see the baby? See the baby. See the baby." Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather. "You gotta see him. He's so cute. He's a thousand months." What's tough about seeing people when they have a new baby is you have to match their enthusiasm. They're always so excited. "What do you think of him? What do you think?" Just once I would like to meet a couple that goes, "You know, we're not that happy with frankly.I think we really made a big mistake. We shoulda gotten an aquarium. You want him? We've really had enough."

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